Hope you’re having a marvellous weekend and all that. The weigh-in for week 72 has been completed, and I’m part-pleased and part-disappointed to report a -1. In itself that’s a sign that I’m getting myself back on track, as I’d have bitten my arm off for a -1 a few weeks ago, but it’s also a sign of just how far I’ve still got to go.
The scales were teasing me this morning. I climbed on board, and the clear digital reading showed me a -2. -2? That’s great – just what I wanted! Thanks very much. Oh. -1. I tried a few times, just to make sure, but each time, they looked like they would settle at -2, but jumped to -1 right at the last moment. So -1 it is.
I’ve had a pretty good food week for the majority of the last seven days, but have struggled in the last 48 hours. I’ve been feeling a bit rough, and it’s been interesting/frustrating to note that in my slightly weakened state (I’m feeling your compassion and pity right now!) I allowed my carefully controlled eating to go out of the window to be replaced by semi-indulgent snacking. On the one hand, it’s quite easy to explain it away as being just for simplicity’s sake – “I’m feeling poorly, so instead of taking the time to make a sandwich, I’ll grab a box of cakes and take them to bed with me”. On the other hand, I think that’s quite indicative of how close to the surface some of my demons still really are, as my first reaction when things are slightly out of the ordinary, is still to reach for the cakes.
Nothing that can’t be dealt with of course, but still something to be aware of. I did say semi-indulgent snacking earlier, which perhaps deserves some explanation. As a general rule, whenever I let myself go these days, I’m still pleasantly surprised to discover that I’m not really letting myself go at all, at least not in anything like the manner that I would have done in my previous life. When I say that I grabbed a box of cakes, what I should probably point out is that what I actually meant was that I grabbed a box of weight-watchers cakes. And ate all six cakes. Over two days. That’s still a long, long way from the “pretty much no limit to what I can and will eat without provocation” me from a while back. Which is a good thing.
The other thing I’ve had going against me this week is that I’ve still got a temporary crown in place which has made eating a bit difficult at times. That’s meant that where I’d usually have reached for the fruit bowl, when there were only hard fruits in there, I often went for something less healthy instead. What I’m trying to say is that once we’d run out of bananas, I had a pretty good excuse to eat something else instead of harder fruit. What I didn’t have was a pretty good excuse not to go and get some more bananas, or even to ask someone else to get me some when I was feeling rough, so I’m aware that it’s something else that’s easy to hide behind if I let myself do it.
The milestone I’ve re-reached is that I’ve stepped under 200lb again. My natural instinct is to ignore these re-reaching of previously reached milestones, but I’m not sure that’s the right way to play it. It’s important to have things to celebrate, yet the natural reaction to any weight gain is to categorically refuse to see anything as progress until you’re back at your lowest point. That’s quite a difficult scenario to pick your way through, because you don’t want to belittle your actual achievements by celebrating them every time you get there, but as I said earlier, you NEED things to celebrate.
I know that after I’d put on 10lb over Christmas I took far longer than I should have done to shift that weight again, and part of the reason for that was because I couldn’t see any progress towards shifting it as progress in itself. I could only see the failure that needed to be wiped from the record, and until I’d done that, I was a failure. I’m not sure that I’m explaining this well enough, either to myself or to you, but I think there’s something highly significant in here.
It’s probably sensible to accept that at times, anyone will put on weight, particularly those of us who have a track record in that area 😉 . If we don’t allow ourselves to embrace and celebrate minor reductions in that gain, because for some reason, we feel that it ‘doesn’t really count’ until we’ve lost it all, then that looks like a pretty good recipe for turning a minor problem into a major one. That says to me that EVERY loss, no matter how small, and no matter where it fits into the overall pattern of weight-loss, should be celebrated. Probably.
At some point in the next few weeks I’m going to try and come up with a list of significant learning points that I’ve reached, because I’m conscious that I’m re-reaching those due to either forgetting them, or just being reminded of them in better ways. I think perhaps I need them printed out somewhere. Or tattooed on my knuckles or something like that.
Anyway, am off to do some real-life stuff – have a great week.