Week 75 has come to an end, and it’s been a tough, difficult, challenging and generally horrible week. The end-result wasn’t anything like as bad as I’d expected – an STS, which would normally be ok, but following on from last week’s +4, it’s not great. When you consider that I was expecting something closer to another +4, I’m relieved, but I’m considering it to be a fluke, as I’ve really not had a good seven days.
I’m torn right now. I’m unsure how to proceed, because on the one hand I’m clearly struggling, and want to write about what that feels like. On the other hand, I’m also aware that people reading week after week of me whining and whinging about how terrible it all is can’t be much fun. In the end though, the purpose of this blog is to document what it’s like throughout the shrinking process, warts and all, so those of you looking for a positive and uplifting experience, might need to look away now. If you’re here to find out what it’s really like being a former fat-bloke trying to first of all remain a thinner-bloke, and then go on to become a thin-bloke, then pull up a chair, take the weight off your feet, and rejoice in my misery:-)
Did I mention that it’s been a tough week? I’ve found myself beating myself up on a pretty regular basis, trying to resist the temptations that have been calling out to me pretty constantly. With a degree of success at firstq admittedly. Then I’ve found myself giving in to the voice that says “Just give in. Eat the whole packet of biscuits. Then I’ll be quiet. But only then. You might as well do it now. You know you’re going to anyway. Because you’re useless. And you’ll be fat again soon.”
The kind of compulsion that means I end up sitting with two packs of crisps, a couple of chocolate bars and a bag of midget gems one minute, and a pile of wrappers, and a whole load of guilt and self-loathing.
There have been positives at times this week too, and while I’m aware that it might interfere with the general mood of gloom and despondency that I’m creating here, I think it’s important to provide a bit of balance. On two occasions I’ve felt so bad after a binge that I’ve dragged myself down to the gym to make some sort of half-hearted apology to myself for it all. Once I went for a swim, and managed 80 lengths. I had the feeling that I would be able to do more, and was feeling quietly confident that I could break the 100 lengths barrier, right up until the moment that I almost threw up after the 80th. The second time I went, I even ventured into the gym itself, and managed 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the cross trainer thing. Both of these reactions were very positive, and are the perfect reaction to bad eating, but I’m really struggling with just how difficult I’m finding it to control the initial bad eating itself.
I’m definitely noticing some patterns around when I struggle with food. It tends to be when I’m not doing anything. Does that sound silly? I’m still coming to terms with having a little more time on my hands since I finished studying, and those times are a particular problem for me. Not sure what that says to be honest – I don’t want to have to keep making myself busy just so I don’t eat sweets all the time. That would be daft.
What’s concerning me the most is that I seem to losing control of things more and more each week. This isn’t something that seems to be sorting itself out, or just a phase. I’m slipping back into the sort of habits that got me fat in the first place, and that’s really quite scary. I’ve responded better to it this week, so that’s perhaps a positive sign. It has to be, but it’s difficult to see much positive news right now.
So let me try and deliver a positive ending to this weeks diatribe. I’ve done a bit of checking back through my stats and the first time I reached my current weight (14st 6lb) was about six months ago. From a losing weight perspective, it’s difficult to see absolutely no progress in six months as a positive, but I think that it IS a positive outcome if you look at it in terms of staying thin for the long term. It’s not been a pleasant experience for a lot of the last six months, as I’ve been up and down like a yoyo, but the fact that I’ve managed to keep the weight off for six months is a fairly significant achievement. It’s always the keeping it off where I’ve struggled in the past, and I guess what I’m doing right now is managing to deal with the ongoing challenges in a better way than I’ve previously managed, no matter how tough it seems.
Is that positive? I have absolutely no idea.
But it’ll do for now.
Have a good week.
The Shrinking Man.