To the uninitiated amongst you, that’s three letters that I’ve not had to deal with on this journey so far.
I’m actually quite pleased with this (or perhaps I’m managing to allow my more positive/delusional side the ability to take control and make it seem like this was what I’d planned all along) as it’s been a difficult week.
First of all, I’ve had some problems with my back which have restricted what I was able to do exercise-wise. I’d normally expect to get to the pool at least three and hopefully four or five times each week, but this week I only managed one full 40 minute swim and one small testing-the-water (well testing the back really, but you get the picture) 25 minute swim.
Secondly, following the substantial losses of the past couple of weeks, I think I always knew it would be surprising to lose again this week, whatever I did.
Thirdly, I’ve been deliberately trying to slow down the speed at which I’m losing weight, so have been trying to eat more throughout the day so that I’m eating all of my points without having to grab a feast of biscuits late at night. That’s been relatively successful, although the removal of the cushion that I’m used to having did lead me to going one or two points over my allowance on a daily basis, which was a bit disconcerting.
Fourthly, I had a bit of a blow-out last night on a home-made Chinese meal. A blow-out on weigh-in eve was never the best of ideas, and I still feel bloated and heavy this morning, which suggests that without that, I might actually be showing a small loss this week.
So, I’m still sitting at 1lb off of my 10% weight-loss target, which is a shame as I’d like to hit that and move on to the 15% one. Mentally I think I already have. Having said that, I’ve tried to make some changes this week, and had to cut down on exercise, so I’m not really disappointed at all.
One thing that has been a bit of a shock to me is how appallingly rubbish my memory is. One of the great feelings about losing weight is knowing that you’re now lighter than you’ve been in XX years. Often the XX is actually translated as ‘many’, but I think I’ve usually got a fairly good idea of roughly how many ‘many’ really is. It turns out that I could well be very wrong.
A couple of days ago I was reading through some back issues of a newsletter I used to write about work. It was a light-hearted kind of thing where I discussed a lot about what happened in my personal and professional lives, and I was rather shocked to see that I’d written about weight-loss in a series of newsletters written about 3 years ago. I was even more shocked to see that I’d written about having lost 2.5 stone since starting that particular weight-loss attempt.
There are actually a lot of positives that come out of that discovery, but what it means is that while I’m sitting here thinking that I haven’t been this light in seven years or so, it turns out that I’ve actually been this light just three years ago. That’s quite a shock to the system to be honest.
In the wider scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I know that I was losing weight at that time on the Atkins diet, and therefore I know that it would never stay off, as I could never eat like that all the time. How I’m eating now is healthy and I’m developing a way of eating that is totally sustainable and enjoyable. This feels like real, permanent weight loss, whereas that was temporary, cheating weight loss.
It’s been a difficult week psychologically to be honest. For some reason, things that I’ve found motivational in the past have felt depressing this week. The Weight Watchers forums are technically very poor, but there are some great people on there who share their stories to help others. There are people on there who’ve started from around where I started, and who are reaching the sort of weights that I dream of. In the past, they’ve always been a bit of an inspiration, as they’ve shown me that it’s really possible, and that it really does happen. For some reason, this week, they’ve just served to highlight just how far I still have to go, and that’s felt quite hard at times.
I think I’m just struggling to deal with the fact that this is a lifestyle change rather than some temporary distraction from the real world. It’s all felt quite entertaining and new so far, and I think this week I came up against the potential dullness of the whole thing. I think, to be honest, I’m a bit bored.
The fact that I’m recognising it and not giving in to it is a positive thing. With everything above, plus the Midget Gem Horizon mentioned previously, I think I can safely say that in previous weight-loss attempts, I would have thrown in the towel at some point during a week like this, and I haven’t. I haven’t even come close. Even when I’m slipping back into something closer to my old eating patterns, I’m doing it in a controlled fashion, making a note of what I’m eating and getting back on with things properly straight away.
I had one moment earlier in the week where I just had to eat. I knew I wasn’t hungry, but I also knew that I just had to eat. It’s been at least a month since I had a feeling like that, and it took me by surprise a little. I went to the cupboard. I grabbed a whole pack of biscuits. I went back to the sofa, opened the biscuits and tucked in.
Now I guess this could have gone a number of ways – if I’d grabbed some of my wife’s chocolate digestives, I could have ended up feeling a lot worse than I did (particularly when she came home – she’s very protective about her food). What I actually grabbed was a pack of Weight Watchers caramel mallow wafers. They’re huge, they’re crap and they’re relatively tasteless. Like eating cardboard that someone has left in the same room as a grain or two of artificial sweetener (this advert has not been paid for by WW in any way 😉 ). Anyway, I managed four of them before I just couldn’t eat any more. Four. Four crap biscuits. Less points than a Mars bar in all four.
I’m changing. I’m still having to fight myself at times, but I’m changing.