Week 51 weigh-in just completed, and I’m pleased to report a -1 for all my hard work. After three weeks of STS, it’s nice to see a little bit of movement in the right direction, although it’s still difficult to see it as ‘real’ progress. I’m stuck in a similar position to where I was just after Christmas, in that any progress I make doesn’t really feel real.
At that time it was because I’d put on a lot of weight over the Christmas period, and it didn’t feel like real progress until I’d got back to my previous low, and that made that period quite a struggle. This time it’s certainly to do with re-losing weight (although it’s only a few pounds this time, until I get down past 14st 1lb, which was been my lowest so far, then it’s difficult to see it as progress) but it’s also just due to it having taken so long to get through this stage.
I’m not sure if I’ve made this clear or not, but I know why I’m finding it so difficult to get below 14st. Seriously I do. It’s because…(wait for it) – it’s because I’m eating too much! What I’m still struggling to work out is why I’m eating too much 😉
Most days, and on the whole certainly most weeks, I’m eating a little bit more than I should. Not enough to make any significant moves upwards, but certainly not enough to keep me moving downwards. It ought to be simple to not do it, but it’s not. Really it’s not. I’m eating loads of biscuits at the moment, and I’ve never eaten a lot of biscuits in my life. I’m going to the biscuit tin to grab a little treat (which after all is a totally sensible and appropriate thing to do) and instead of taking one rich tea, I might take two rich teas, two shorties and a custard cream. And then I eat them really quickly.
Why? Honestly no idea. I’m not hungry, and I don’t even particularly like biscuits. I’m also eating them too quickly to get any real pleasure out of them, so I’m really getting nothing from this. I won’t labour this point too much, but whatever psychological process guides this sort of behaviour has a lot to answer for, and if I could only understand it, I think my life would be a whole lot easier.
This sort of pattern is so familiar to me, and it’s played a fairly huge part in keeping me fat for the past 20 years. The positive thing is that I’m doing it in much smaller quantities, and with generally better foods. Traditionally I’d do the same sort of thing with bags of crisps, or cocktail sausages, and instead of three or four it would be three or four packets, or 30 or 40 sausages. But the pattern is still there.
I’m not going to get too hot under the collar about it, but it’s an issue, and one that I have to learn to deal with a little better if I’m going to lose more weight, and particularly if I intend to keep it off. Which I do. If I removed that unnecessary stuff from my diet completely, I’d be having no problems shrinking right now. Having said that, removing it completely probably just shifts the problem onto other types of food – it’s the drive to do it that’s the problem I guess.
Anyway, I’m a pound lighter than I was last week, I’m a step closer to saying goodbye to the 14st somethings, and I’m feeling pretty good about myself generally. I’ve questioned whether I’m happy to stay where I am, and the answer to that is a firm NO. I will go further with this. I’m much happier being where I am, than where I was (and in that sense, the last few weeks have really helped me come to terms with that, so some good has come from this) but I’ve still got a couple of stone or so to go I think.
Actually, I’ve been avoiding doing this for the best part of a year, but I think I now have a picture of where I want to be at the end of all this, so let’s set my stall out properly:
My final target weight is 12st and 4lb.
I’m currently 14st 3lb, so that’s a grand total of 27lb away, and I’m sure it will take some time to get there, but get there I will. I’ll need to work out a whole load of interim targets too, as that really does seem like a long way away, but I’ve now got something specific to work towards. And every hurriedly-eaten biscuit will increase the time that it takes to get there!
Have a good week.
The Shrinking Man