I’m not sure whether I’ve ever felt this low before. I probably have, but have managed to blank out the memory – I’m usually pretty good at that sort of thing – but I seem to have completely lost the ability to see the positive side of things right now.
I feel like the odds against me ever gaining control over my weight are so high and diminishing by the day, that I simply don’t know what to do. I feel like action of any kind is likely to be a bad idea, but that inaction is contributing to my general low mood. Which really doesn’t help much.
Let me tell you what it feels like right now. I’m a 19 and a half stone man, and everything I’ve learnt so far tells me that while I can lose weight quite effectively, I can’t keep it off. I’m reading a lot of studies at the moment that suggests that there are good scientific reasons for that, as my body is actively seeking to regain the weight I’ve lost, and will keep at it for years if necessary, until it succeeds. It also adds extra weight on each time, perhaps to minimise the danger from any future weight loss.
That says that even if I manage to lose weight again, the only certain outcome is that I will put it back on again, with more on top.
I am not currently in control of what I’m eating. I have no idea whether that’s because my body is still trying to hold on to calories as a result of previous weight-loss attempts, because I’m a greedy glutton or because I’m struggling with a number of food addictions. probably bits of all of them. That suggests that if I don’t diet, then I’m going to keep putting weight on.
So if I diet, I’m going to end up even fatter. And if I don’t diet, I’m going to end up even fatter.
Add in the fact that several times a day I feel a dark cloud descending over me, and that my self-image and self-worth is so low that I can’t even bear to look at myself, and you end up with a pretty low TSM.
Oddly, for the first time in many, many years, I’m coke-free. It’s been a couple of months or so now, and I guess I should be feeling some sort of achievement. But I’m not.
I don’t feel healthy, I don’t feel happy and I don’t know what to do.