He’s Lost Control

The Shrinking Man - One man's Quest to make less of himselfI’m not sure whether to laugh or cry, but as I can’t stand how my face looks when I blub, I think I’ll settle for some mild giggling.

Having blogged recently about how this shrinking lark was all about control,  I think I can safely say that I have more than enough evidence to back that up, because at this point in time, I’ve totally lost control.  I’m back in a world where I’m not in control of what I’m eating, and I’m hating it.

For the first couple of months of this year, I was totally in control of my eating.  For the next couple of months, I was flitting between being totally in control and a little out of control.  For the last few weeks, I’ve flipped totally over to the dark side, and I’m now completely out of control.

The positive thing about this has been that the catalyst in all the different stages has been my consumption of carbs.  When my consumption of carbs has been very low, I’m totally in control.  When my consumption of carbs has been erratic, I’ve lost control for periods, and then regained it once my carb consumption settles down again.  When my consumption of carbs has been high, I lose control altogether.

So far so predictable I guess.

This is the stage where in previous shrinking attempts, it all falls apart.  I revert back to my traditional out of control eating habits, all the weight that I’ve lost goes back on, along with a little more for good measure.  My mood settles into one of acceptance, and I drift along for a year or two before I get cross enough to start it all over again.

So I guess there are two key questions that I have to try to address:

  1. Is it possible for me to go through life never straying from my low-carb eating
  2. Is it possible to step away from low-carb eating occasionally without it ending up with me losing control completely

I’ve used the smoking analogy before, and I’m still trying to work out whether this is the same or not.  I spent years convincing myself that I could give up smoking, but then have a cigarette and remain a non-smoker.  That was rubbish, one cigarette was all it took to get me hooked again, but it took me years to accept it and finally stop for good.  Is my eating like that?  Do I have to accept that I can NEVER eat high-carb food again?  Will a single piece of high-carb food always lead me to this place?  An out of control fat-bloke feeling sorry for himself?

And if that’s true, can I honestly ever see myself actually being able to do that?

Honest answer to both questions is I don’t know.

I hate this.

The Shrinking Man