And so it goes on ;-)

careyWell once again, I’m officially fat.  I’ve just returned from holiday and tipped the scales at 19st.  19st!!!!

That’s really rather fat.  I’m feeling wheezy and out of shape and that’s not good.  I’m too old to not be getting to grips with this stuff – I won’t get away with it for ever.

So the eternal cycle goes a bit like this:

  • I get fat
  • I hate myself
  • I eat more
  • I get fatter
  • I lose weight
  • I hate myself
  • I eat more
  • I get fatter
  • Repeat till fade

It’s a very difficult circle to try to square – the hatred I feel for myself when I”m fat that drives me to lose weight doesn’t seem to disappear when I’ve lost weight, and that hatred makes me eat more and I get fat again.

Hatred may be too strong a word really – I don’t find myself detesting myself on an hourly basis, though I am aware that I am more critical of myself than I would ever be of another person.

That suggests that the real quest needs to be to learn to love myself.  When what you see in the mirror never fails to shock, disturb and horrify you, that’s a difficult thing to do.  I need to learn to love myself so that I lose weight because I love myself rather than because I hate myself.  That seems to make some sort of sense anyway.

I’m not kidding about mirror-shock.  I look at my face every morning and that I’m never surprised by.  I actually quite like it to be honest, though I can see the chins and jowls for what they are.  But whenever I see myself in a full length mirror or a photo, I never cease to be amazed by the fat bloke looking back at me.  I’m not sure what sort of denial I’ve got going on there, but it’s very strong.

Anyway, I know I eat badly.  Or well, depending on your point of view.  I drink too much fizzy crap and not enough water.  I eat when I’m not hungry and I eat to excess, and I eat a lot of processed crap.  I eat loads of sweets.  I eat a fair bit of chocolate.  I eat loads of crisps.  And I’m very fat!  Who’d have thought it?

I think if you were to sum up my attitude to food over the whole of my adult life, it’s been to cross my fingers and hope that one day, I’ll be able to eat as much as I want of whatever I want and lose loads of weight.  That’s probably not going to happen.

I’ve got a headache and I’m going to bed.

Thoroughly fed up.

The Shrinking Man

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