(was that Dixon of Dock Green?)
Welcome to yet another week of weight-loss/gain related ramblings from yours truly. It’s now week 68 of my quest, and following my weigh-in I’m not all that fussed about reporting a teeny +1. It’s not an ideal result, but a fair reflection of the week. Following last week’s -4, I’ve had a few days where I was under my points, a few days where I was over my points, and one day where I had such a heroic blow-out that, disgusted as I was with myself, it was impossible not to feel ever so slightly proud.
My excuse at the moment is that I’m in the last days of a six-year part-time history degree course, and am therefore in a position where I am absolutely refusing to let anything else worry me. That means that where I might ideally like to respond to pangs and cravings with a lengthy period of internal debate, a change of focus to take my mind off of it, a bit of a “will I or won’t I” period followed by a refusal to let it derail me, at the moment, I’ve taken the stance of least resistance, which is often just eating it.
My heroic day involved me sitting at my PC working on an essay all day, and that’s something that I’ve not done when I’m alone in the house for ages. It’s a perfect example of the sort of situation where, in the past, I would go to town, by myself a room full of treats, stuff my face, cook myself something stupidly unnecessary for lunch and then repeat the whole process in the afternoon. And that’s pretty much what I did.
Was it a good idea? Nope. Did I enjoy it? Some of it yes. A lot of it no. Did I hate myself both during and after it? Yes. Was it the right thing to do at that time? Probably. From the moment I planned the day on my own, my poor little subconscious mind had been going mental preparing for the food I would eat. Seriously. I would be having a conscious conversation with myself (in my head rather than out loud if that makes me sound any less insane) about what I needed to do, and I could actually hear the unconscious part of my mind joining in with food related comments. I would think “I’ll take Mrs TSM to work, then come back home and get straight on with it” and in the background, I could actually hear my own voice chipping in and saying “better stop off at Tesco express on the way back and pick up some Midget Gems”. I’m serious here. Am I ill? My conscious mind would be saying “I’ll focus on the introduction for a couple of hours, and then look to create the outline for each of the main topic areas” and I’d hear “and chocolate. You’ll need a lot of chocolate. And did I mention midget gems?”
The bottom line is that I had the voices in my head patiently explaining that it had a day of gluttony planned for me, and if I attempted to do anything other than just go along with it, I’d be spending the day battling with myself over it rather than studying. So I gave in.
Not great, but not the end of the world either. The nice thing is that I didn’t wake up the next day with a overwhelming urge to drink a pint or two of double cream. Well no more than usual anyway.
Anyway, I’m hovering around the four stone off mark and have been for ages really. I’m still telling myself that I have a target of another couple of stone to lose, but it doesn’t feel very real or achievable right now. I’m not sure if this is a problem or not. I don’t feel like I’ve finished yet, although I’m so much happier than I was when I started this, and I guess in some ways I would be happy staying where I am. Sort of. One of the things that I still find interesting about this whole thing is that psychologically I’m really not sure what, if any, lasting changes I’ve made. I still have the feeling that all it would take is for me to take my foot off the accelerator for a month or two and I’d be back on the road to fatdom once more. And then I think that it would still take a hell of a long time to put all that weight back on again, and somehow I’d have to either not notice, or to consciously avoid noticing for all that time. And that’s where I feel like it’s different. While I have a feeling that some of the food challenges that I have will stay with me forever, I really don’t think that I could let myself get really fat again. But that doesn’t stop me worrying about it 🙂
Come the end of this week, when the study pressures have faded, and all being well I’ll just be waiting for confirmation in 3 months that I’m now TSM BA (Hons), once that’s sorted, perhaps I’ll find it all a little easier to pick up and focus on again.
Or perhaps not.
Have a good week.