Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good title this week don’t you think?

Well good evening to you all – sorry for the lateness of the update this week, but had a date in a recording studio at 9am this morning, so couldn’t get this written before I left.  Saying I had a date makes it sounds like I actually had a ‘date’, which would have been interesting (as it’s a very long time since I’ve been on a date) but I’d probably have received less support from my wife had that been the case.  When you bear in mind that as I had the alarm set for 7:30 on Sunday morning, I didn’t get all that much support anyway, so it’s safe to say that actual dates weren’t on the agenda.  Just doing music stuff.

Anyway, what’s been happening this week?

First of all, the weigh-in.  An STS, which was certainly less than I’d planned after last week’s disastrous +3, but it seems about right for the week as a whole.  At times I’ve been pretty perfect, and at times I’ve been pretty useless this week, neither of which are really what I’m looking for.

Just in case I don’t get this point across in any subtle way, let me make it very clear that I’M HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH THIS AT THE MOMENT!  I’m in one of those situations where I’m regularly doing the wrong things, all the while knowing that I’m doing the wrong things, but somehow lacking the motivation to stop myself doing the wrong things.  That then leads to colossal periods of beating myself up, which lowers my self-esteem still further, and makes it more likely that I’m going to do some of the wrong things.  I think.

I’ll apologise in advance for those of you who are looking for a nice upbeat “everything is going to be alright” update – if that’s you, then it might be wise for you to jump towards the last paragraph or two where I’ll undoubtedly try to find a silver lining for the weekly clouds.  I’m trying my best to understand what’s happening in my head and how that affects the success or otherwise that I have.  I’m a serial dieter, and I need to understand what stops me keeping the weight off.  I’ve tried “just ignoring it” in the past and it hasn’t worked.  I’ve tried “wishing really hard” as well, and oddly enough even that hasn’t helped.  So I’m going to try to understand it instead.

There’s a few things that have been going on this week that it’s worth trying to to describe.  First of all, there’s a general lack of motivation at the moment, which I can’t explain, but it’s certainly making it difficult for me to make sensible choices right now.  It could be one and the same thing (but it feels separate) but there’s also a general lack of self-esteem at the moment which is strange – it feels as if I’m feeling rubbish about myself generally, and that’s affecting how I eat.  It could be the other way around, in that I could be eating poorly and that’s affecting how I feel about myself and that’s affecting how I eat.  It just feels like it’s separate.  Can’t explain it better than that – sorry.

I’ve had other things this week too.  In the last few days I have had fairly consistent and strong compulsions to just EAT!  Not to eat anything in particular, although it drives me towards sweet stuff, but generally just to EAT!  I’ve only had these feelings this strong a few times since I started on this journey, so it’s different enough for me to notice it, and it really is a dominant thing.  I’m also fairly certain that this was what life was generally like before – a constant battle against these urges, but because they were always there I never noticed them, if that makes any sense.  I’ve been trying to establish whether this is psychological, and therefore linked in with the stuff I’ve mentioned above, or whether this is a physical thing, and perhaps linked to something that I’ve eaten.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s genuinely a physical thing, not in the most scientific way, but it seems fairly sensible to me.  A couple of days ago I had a doze on the sofa in the early evening.  Literally the second I awoke, my mind starting shouting EAT! at me.  That’s just weird and it really struck me how strong and how immediate it was – it doesn’t seem possible for that to be a psychological thing.

I can’t describe it except to say that it feels just like the feeling I used to get when I was trying to give up smoking.  That all encompassing urge to just give in that dominates your every waking moment.  You can distract yourself from it, but it doesn’t go away, it just sits in the background, waiting patiently for your mind to stop doing whatever it’s been doing.  Once the distraction is over, the compulsion returns.  EAT!

I think it might be refined sugar.  This might be insane of course.  This is just a former fat but now considerably thinner bloke trying to make sense of what’s going on in his head, so if anyone has thoughts or ideas on this (or has had similar experiences and can at least let me know that I’m not completely mad here) then please let me know.  It was my birthday a few days ago, and I went out for a meal where I had a fairly significant dessert that probably contained more sugar than I’ve had in one go in a long while, and there does seem to be a link between that and the urges returning again.  Having said that, there were a couple of flapjack and donut experiences earlier in the week that may have contributed to this as well.  As I said, it hasn’t been the best of weeks.  It feels like a pressure in my head – a buzzing pressure that will only be relieved by eating.  I can’t say for definite whether it’s specifically for sugar, but eating sugary foods seems to help reduce it.

I’ve found myself getting quite emotional about it all a few times this week.  I don’t know how to cope with what’s going on in my head right now, and I’m so scared that I’m on the verge of mucking it all up and going back to my old ways.  I know it’s simple and all I have to do is just go back to doing what works, but it’s precisely because I know that already and am finding it so difficult to do it, that this all gets so scary.  I’ve found myself wondering whether I need to try to consolidate for a while, and wondering whether I’m asking too much from myself.  That then makes me wonder whether that would make it more or less likely that I would end up putting more weight back on.  That then makes me want to sit in a dark room and cry for a few days.

So how do I sum up where I am?  Well first of all, I’m struggling.  I’m going quietly mad here at the moment, and I’m very scared of what happens next.  Having said that, I’ve had an STS in my birthday week, which in most situations I’d be quite happy with.  I’m stupidly busy at work at the moment, and under a whole lot of stress with my studies as well, so this could all just be real-life stuff getting in the way of my shrinking ways.  Another positive this week was in the pool – I only managed the one swim this week, but managed to do 100 lengths, which equals my record.  The fact that I can swim that far when I’m not going regularly is a good sign.

All in all, I’m struggling to come up with a positive conclusion this week, and I’m not going to fake it.

Have a good week.

The Shrinking Man.

8 thoughts on “Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  1. So sorry to hear you are struggling. I know the feeling though I am (or was) at my goal weight so it should be less of a problem for me. But oh, I know just what you mean about the compulsion to eat and strangely enough I have only very recently begun to suspect it could be refined sugar related. One day last week I had cake at lunchtime, which used to be a daily occurence but which is now a treat. And then what do you know, I find myself trotting to the shop in the afternoon and buying licorice allsorts (the Terry equivalent of your midget gems) then goodness knows what later on at home. Now this could just have been a bad day but it did seem that one thing led to another….maybe we’re both cottoning on to something?

    On another matter, well done with the swimming. You are putting me to shame, I have truly lost my swimming mojo and am two-timing the pool with the C25K (which is going well).

    The STS in a birthday week (belated happy birthday by the way) is something to take forward perhaps?
    Terry

  2. Hi Terry,

    Again, it’s great to hear that I’m not alone, and also that the sugar thing might have something to it.

    What’s C25K?

    TSM

  3. Hi TSM,

    Think you need to draw a line and start again here. You know the rules and you know what to do. Put this down to experience and move on, just making sure you don’t go back. You will soon get rid of that 3lb and more.
    Stay away from sweet shops and don’t keep that stuff in the house if you can help it. And visit the pool (or Gym) more often. C25K is Couch to 5K running. You can down load a good little Pod cast from the NHS web site to help.

    Anyway, good luck and keep your chin up. You can do this.

    Cheers

    Dave

  4. Couch to 5km. It’s a running (jogging) programme that is intended to get you from the couch to running either 5km or for 30 minutes – http://www.nhs.uk/LiveWell/c25k/Pages/couch-to-5k.aspx I have never been any good at running and had persuaded myself that I was just not cut out for it but I think this time it just may work. In the past I have tried to run to lose weight whereas this time I have already lost the weight and am running for fitness which seems to have made some difference. I think my swimming issue is really a pool issue; I still love swimming and would swim every day were it not for the other people in the pool. I find I am getting less and less tolerant of other swimmers to the extent that I am only really happy when I am the lone swimmer. I think I just need a break:/

    As your other commenter suggests – keep your chin up, you can do this:)
    Terry

  5. Message for Terry (and I know it is hijacking your site – sorry!)

    Stay with the C25K program – it really does work. I have succeeded, and although I now don’t do the whole 5k regularly it has helped me to up my fitness and I often do 2 or 3K on the treadmill. When I work away, a work colleague (who put me on to this) does the same and we run the 5K together. That way we can talk and the time flies by. We are running 5K in 32mins on average. Good Luck.
    Dave

  6. I’ve dieted all my life on & off on & off. I’m currently on a roll (22lb loss) but I don’t think I have an answer as to why I win or why I lose. So I’m just settling for keeping it going.
    I’ve now started a blog which I find helps and that is down to the shrinking man (who is that masked man?)I will keep reading his blog in the hope that I follow him to goal in more ways than one.

  7. I’ll try to keep the hijacking to a minimum but just to say thanks to Dave for the encouragement. I am about to go into W3 and have to say I am quite enjoying it. I think TSM would love to have a go too;)

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