Well good evening to you all – sorry for the lateness of the update this week, but had a date in a recording studio at 9am this morning, so couldn’t get this written before I left. Saying I had a date makes it sounds like I actually had a ‘date’, which would have been interesting (as it’s a very long time since I’ve been on a date) but I’d probably have received less support from my wife had that been the case. When you bear in mind that as I had the alarm set for 7:30 on Sunday morning, I didn’t get all that much support anyway, so it’s safe to say that actual dates weren’t on the agenda. Just doing music stuff.
Anyway, what’s been happening this week?
First of all, the weigh-in. An STS, which was certainly less than I’d planned after last week’s disastrous +3, but it seems about right for the week as a whole. At times I’ve been pretty perfect, and at times I’ve been pretty useless this week, neither of which are really what I’m looking for.
Just in case I don’t get this point across in any subtle way, let me make it very clear that I’M HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH THIS AT THE MOMENT! I’m in one of those situations where I’m regularly doing the wrong things, all the while knowing that I’m doing the wrong things, but somehow lacking the motivation to stop myself doing the wrong things. That then leads to colossal periods of beating myself up, which lowers my self-esteem still further, and makes it more likely that I’m going to do some of the wrong things. I think.
I’ll apologise in advance for those of you who are looking for a nice upbeat “everything is going to be alright” update – if that’s you, then it might be wise for you to jump towards the last paragraph or two where I’ll undoubtedly try to find a silver lining for the weekly clouds. I’m trying my best to understand what’s happening in my head and how that affects the success or otherwise that I have. I’m a serial dieter, and I need to understand what stops me keeping the weight off. I’ve tried “just ignoring it” in the past and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried “wishing really hard” as well, and oddly enough even that hasn’t helped. So I’m going to try to understand it instead.
There’s a few things that have been going on this week that it’s worth trying to to describe. First of all, there’s a general lack of motivation at the moment, which I can’t explain, but it’s certainly making it difficult for me to make sensible choices right now. It could be one and the same thing (but it feels separate) but there’s also a general lack of self-esteem at the moment which is strange – it feels as if I’m feeling rubbish about myself generally, and that’s affecting how I eat. It could be the other way around, in that I could be eating poorly and that’s affecting how I feel about myself and that’s affecting how I eat. It just feels like it’s separate. Can’t explain it better than that – sorry.
I’ve had other things this week too. In the last few days I have had fairly consistent and strong compulsions to just EAT! Not to eat anything in particular, although it drives me towards sweet stuff, but generally just to EAT! I’ve only had these feelings this strong a few times since I started on this journey, so it’s different enough for me to notice it, and it really is a dominant thing. I’m also fairly certain that this was what life was generally like before – a constant battle against these urges, but because they were always there I never noticed them, if that makes any sense. I’ve been trying to establish whether this is psychological, and therefore linked in with the stuff I’ve mentioned above, or whether this is a physical thing, and perhaps linked to something that I’ve eaten. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s genuinely a physical thing, not in the most scientific way, but it seems fairly sensible to me. A couple of days ago I had a doze on the sofa in the early evening. Literally the second I awoke, my mind starting shouting EAT! at me. That’s just weird and it really struck me how strong and how immediate it was – it doesn’t seem possible for that to be a psychological thing.
I can’t describe it except to say that it feels just like the feeling I used to get when I was trying to give up smoking. That all encompassing urge to just give in that dominates your every waking moment. You can distract yourself from it, but it doesn’t go away, it just sits in the background, waiting patiently for your mind to stop doing whatever it’s been doing. Once the distraction is over, the compulsion returns. EAT!
I think it might be refined sugar. This might be insane of course. This is just a former fat but now considerably thinner bloke trying to make sense of what’s going on in his head, so if anyone has thoughts or ideas on this (or has had similar experiences and can at least let me know that I’m not completely mad here) then please let me know. It was my birthday a few days ago, and I went out for a meal where I had a fairly significant dessert that probably contained more sugar than I’ve had in one go in a long while, and there does seem to be a link between that and the urges returning again. Having said that, there were a couple of flapjack and donut experiences earlier in the week that may have contributed to this as well. As I said, it hasn’t been the best of weeks. It feels like a pressure in my head – a buzzing pressure that will only be relieved by eating. I can’t say for definite whether it’s specifically for sugar, but eating sugary foods seems to help reduce it.
I’ve found myself getting quite emotional about it all a few times this week. I don’t know how to cope with what’s going on in my head right now, and I’m so scared that I’m on the verge of mucking it all up and going back to my old ways. I know it’s simple and all I have to do is just go back to doing what works, but it’s precisely because I know that already and am finding it so difficult to do it, that this all gets so scary. I’ve found myself wondering whether I need to try to consolidate for a while, and wondering whether I’m asking too much from myself. That then makes me wonder whether that would make it more or less likely that I would end up putting more weight back on. That then makes me want to sit in a dark room and cry for a few days.
So how do I sum up where I am? Well first of all, I’m struggling. I’m going quietly mad here at the moment, and I’m very scared of what happens next. Having said that, I’ve had an STS in my birthday week, which in most situations I’d be quite happy with. I’m stupidly busy at work at the moment, and under a whole lot of stress with my studies as well, so this could all just be real-life stuff getting in the way of my shrinking ways. Another positive this week was in the pool – I only managed the one swim this week, but managed to do 100 lengths, which equals my record. The fact that I can swim that far when I’m not going regularly is a good sign.
All in all, I’m struggling to come up with a positive conclusion this week, and I’m not going to fake it.
Have a good week.