Weigh-in number 48 has just been completed, and it’s an STS. Not too surprised, but a little disappointed to be honest with you. I’m really struggling with all of this at the moment, and had a terrible start to the week, managing to eat most of my weekly points in the first couple of days, but after that I knuckled down and have had a much more enjoyable rest of the week. Still, the scales don’t lie, so I need to accept it, be pleased that I’ve proved yet again that I’m good at staying round this sort of weight, and try to sort my head out properly for next week.
I had a very, very odd and rather scary experience last Monday. I’d over-eaten for two days, and had just binged on a fair amount of stuff that I didn’t want or need, and was feeling generally rubbish about myself. And that’s when I found myself thinking very rationally about making myself sick to try and make it all better. Now let me state for the record that I didn’t do it, and that I haven’t found myself thinking like that since then, but I think I had a brief insight into how easy it can be for this losing-weight stuff to get out of hand. It wasn’t a jokey “perhaps I should make myself sick to sort it out” and it wasn’t anything born out of desperation of any kind. That would have been easy to deal with to be honest. The problem here is that it was such a calm and rational thought process and that scared me. I almost felt compelled to do it. It was a bit of a wake-up call to be honest, and I’ve thought a lot about it since then.
What I’m trying to do here is very important to me, but I have to be careful that weight-loss itself isn’t the goal. The goal here is to make myself happier and healthier. That’s all. And that should be enough! And right now, for whatever reason, I’m not allowing myself to feel happier. I’m four stone lighter than I was 48 weeks ago, and that means I’m four stone healthier than I was 48 weeks ago too. I just don’t seem to be four stone happier, and that’s a little weird.
There are times when I’m absolutely chuffed to bits with what I’ve achieved, but I think those times tend to coincide with when I’ve lost a significant amount of weight that week, and that’s a bit of a shame. I need to find a better balance between what I’ve achieved (or not) that week and what I’ve achieved in the long run. I should be walking on air at being four stone lighter, yet I’m contemplating making myself sick in case I’m not four stone and one or two pounds lighter in a few days time. That’s pretty messed up to be honest with you.
All the while, sitting at the back of my mind, is the knowledge that it would be really easy to go back to fat-bloke status. Really easy. And that way I wouldn’t have to deal with the crushing sense of failure and worthlessness that comes from a gain or an STS, because I wouldn’t be weighing myself. No expectations, just the comfort and familiarity that comes from fatness. All it takes is a decision to stop.
But I’m not making that decision! Over the past 48 weeks, I’ve come up against a whole load of different situations, any one of which in the past would have stopped me in my tracks. For whatever reason, I haven’t made that decision to stop, and that’s why I’m sitting here at 14st 4lb instead of 18st 4lb, AND I LIKE BEING 14ST 4lb! I don’t want to stay at this weight, because I think there’s at least another couple of stone to lose, but I don’t want to be bigger. If it takes me a few years to get there, then that’s OK, as long as I feel happy about myself along the way.
I really am still a work in progress aren’t I?
Let me leave you with an example of how I’m not dealing with the positives very well. As part of a work thing this week I had to ask a group of people what they thought my favourite drink was. I overheard a conversation that went like this:
Person 1: “he’s got a bit of a beer belly, so I reckon he drinks lager”
Person 2: “Nah, he’s not got much of a belly at all – I don’t think he drinks at all”
I came away from that exchange feeling a bit fed up about someone saying that I had a bit of a beer belly. A bit? 48 weeks ago, that would have been a LOT of a beer belly. Or they would have said “he IS a bit of a beer belly”. And someone said that I didn’t have much of a belly at all!!!! I should have hugged them both. But that’s against all sorts of HR policies, so I’m pleased I didn’t…
The bottom line for me is this. I’m really struggling to reduce my weight at the moment, and that’s upsetting me. I need to find ways to stop that upsetting me, because dissatisfaction with my progress in the short-term is overriding my happiness at my progress in the long-term and that’s just daft. Maybe I need to stop trying to lose weight for a while, and just learn to enjoy where I am. Perhaps I need to never think like that because I’ll end up putting four stone back on in the next few weeks. Perhaps I have absolutely no idea what to do and need to just stop thinking too much, relax and enjoy myself a bit more.
My name is The Shrinking Man. I have so far managed four stone’s worth of shrinking, and I need to celebrate that, because it’s a really great achievement. I look better, I feel better physically and I know I’m a whole load healthier as a result. Happier is proving difficult at times. That’s what I need to work on.
Have a good week.