A sigh of relief and a promise to try harder…

Morning all :-).

Weigh-in number 25 has just been completed, and I’m actually a little relieved to report that I’ve stayed the same. I’ve not had the best of weeks and was expecting to either STS or to put a little on, so the STS is just fine to be honest.

On a brighter note, I bought myself a new Fred Perry polo shirt on Friday, and it didn’t have any Xs on the label. It just had an L. And it fitted!!!! This is indeed extremely good news, and it’s difficult to put into words just how good I feel about it. When I started this journey, I was just fitting in to XXL Fred Perry polo shirts and I’m now fitting comfortably into L ones.

On a slightly less-brighter note, at the same time I also discovered one of the slightly less positive aspects of this weight-loss thing, albeit one that I have to make sure is a temporary one. It’s a white top and by it’s very nature slightly see through. That means that it really shows off what I can only describe as the rather shapely pair of breasts that I seem to have managed to grow as I’ve lost bulk on my top half. Grow isn’t the right word – it’s as if some pope or other had said to Michelangelo “start with this big lump, and chip away bit by bit until you’ve got some nice floppy bits left over. And make sure it’s embarrassing for him OK?”

It’s only temporary, but it’s a combination of amusing, embarrassing and frustrating right now, and if they didn’t look so appealing I’d be distraught. Can you see now why I’m doing this anonymously?

Anyway, I also managed to fit into a Gap L shirt, which again is a major victory, as before I started this I couldn’t even get into a single item of gap clothing, and now I’m leaving their XL range behind. Just to prove it to myself, I brought some XL T-Shirts, and they’re without doubt too big. I’m probably not quite small enough for the Ls yet, but give it time…

I’ve had an odd time with the whole food control thing this week – at times it’s been just second nature to eat properly, but for the majority of the week I feel like I’ve been battling with myself a bit. I’ve eaten a lot of crap, and have struggled (and failed) to stay within my points on a number of occasions. When you combine that with just a single trip to the gym, due to a combination of general laziness, bad planning and actually being quite busy, you can probably see why an STS works out just fine for me this week.

It’s difficult to describe why it’s been quite so difficult, but let me have a go. I’m deliberately not saying “get thee behind me Satan” every time I feel like eating a bag of crisps, or some midget gems (insert salivating smiley here), partly because that’s not much fun, but mainly because I don’t think it’s realistic to try to banish all the bad stuff from my diet completely. I also don’t think it’s a good idea to say “well while I’m losing weight I won’t have them, but once I’m a more sensible weight then it won’t be so important and I can eat them again. I’ve been there in the past, and each time all that happens is that those foods become the trigger for a rapid return to former eating patterns and then by default to renewed weight gain.

All I want to do is to learn to eat those things sensibly some of the time. I know that must seem like a ridiculous statement to the thin-people amongst you, and I feel quite pathetic writing that I need to learn how not to eat like an idiot, but it’s true. There is definitely some learning/re-education/un-learning required here.

For me at the moment it seems to go like this:

I eat some rubbish food, because I want to be able to eat some rubbish food. That should always be fine – I can eat what I want, but there are consequences to eating that rubbish, which is basically that I’ll have to reduce what I eat later on to compensate. When it comes to it though, I’m currently struggling to do the balancing act properly – I’m eating rubbish, but then resisting the desire to compensate for it afterwards, which is why I’ve not lost any weight this week.

There are some really interesting things going on in my head right now, and so far I’ve not been able to pick my way through them properly. I’ve not reached any conclusions just yet, but I’m very conscious that there may be some very unconscious self-sabotage going on here. I’m not sure I could provide a sensible reason why I might be sabotaging myself, but I guess fear of change, and the desire for the safety of “how things used to be” could be enough to drive it. Whatever it is, it’s fascinating to be reminded that however much my conscious mind and activities may be aligned towards weight-loss, my unconscious mind has the power to unsettle it if I let it. My head hurts.

Anyway, all the target stuff from last week still stands – I need to drop another three pounds to hit the 14st something mark, and I’ve got another half a stone to go before I’ll have lost 20% of my starting weight. All these things will come to pass – this week is but a barnacle on a blip of an inkling of a setback. Or something better written than that 🙂

Have a good week.

The Shrinking Man

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