19th Nervous Breakdown?

OK – very quick update this week, as I’ve neither got the time or the motivation to spend here.

I lost a pound.  This is good of course, but it doesn’t feel like it.  It’s totally understandable – I’ve not been able to exercise much due to a problem with my shoulder, I had some very good days at the start of the week, but let it go a bit towards the end of the week.  I ended up with something like 1.5 points to spare for the week.

Very, very down.

I guess this is where it gets difficult.  I’m very aware that writing this all down genuinely helps.  Perhaps that’s why I don’t want to do it this week – perhaps this is all part of the standard pattern of self-sabotage that seems to plague my every attempt to make long-term changes to my weight?

So perhaps I’m going to write it all down anyway, not that it will probably make all that inspiring a read (sorry about that) but I think it might be important for me.  Please ignore the opening sentence – this might go on a bit now.  Strangely enough I’m now smiling.  The power of the written word never ceases to amaze me…

It’s like this.  I’ve lost something over the past few weeks, and I’m really not sure what it is, which makes it really difficult to know where to find it.  I’m finding it very difficult to stay motivated to eat well.  I’m not at a stage where I’m looking to go and eat badly necessarily, but I’m finding myself saying “it’s only a few points extra” on quite a regular basis and going a few points over my allowance.  That’s a fairly substantial shift from where I was before, and I think it’s quite significant, but it’s difficult to know whether it’s a real problem or not, and most importantly of all, it’s very hard to understand why.

Is it odd to review one’s own actions in the third person?  If it is, then I’m sorry, but that just makes me weird I guess – I’m trying to review myself, my actions and my thoughts from an external perspective, because that’s the only way that I think I can be aware if I’m making any sense or not.  There’s not a fat person alive who doesn’t have a very well-rehearsed explanation on their own head as to why they’re the way they are, and I’d suggest that in pretty much every case, they’re deluding themselves in one way or another.  It all makes sense in their own head, but for every person who’s managed to convince themselves that they’re big-boned, or that they have a slow metabolism, there’s half a dozen people who know them well who know it’s because they eat chips for breakfast.

Anyway, I don’t eat chips for breakfast (any more 😉 ), I’m not big-boned, and I do not have a slow metabolism.  I’m just not good at eating the right amounts of the right foods to keep me fit and healthy.  But I’m getting better.  Let me tell you how I know that I’m not ‘big-boned’, whatever that actually means.  Oddly enough, I think it’s true to say that the concept of a fat skeleton is pretty much unknown to medical science, so that’s a fairly good example for starters, but I’ve got a better, more personal reason.  I’m buying clothes a bit more at the moment, and while they still have an X in them, they only have one, rather than two or more.  When I put on an XL shirt or top of some sort, what I can see is that while it fits me nicely over the chest and stomach, it’s actually too big for me on the shoulders.  That’s big-bellied, not big-boned.  And it’s a lot less belly than it use to be.

I took a break from this a few minutes ago to take a few measurements, as I’ve not updated them for a month or so.  I won’t bore you with the detail, but I’m losing inches over all the important bits, and I’m gaining definition on all the others.  My waist measurement is more than four inches smaller than it was 19 weeks ago, my chest measures more than three inches smaller too.  My arms, my thighs and my calves are between one and two inches smaller too, but they’re also so much firmer and defined.  I don’t want to be to narcissistic about this, but it’s really rather pleasant to look at your body and not feel repulsed by it all.  OK I still don’t like to appearance of my belly, and generally I look like an overweight man in his forties, but I’m looking a lot less like an obese man in his forties, and that’s a really, really positive thing.

I’m struggling to exercise much at the moment, partly because I’ve had a stupidly busy couple of weeks, but also because I’ve got a problem with my shoulder that’s taking its time to get better, and exercise has made it worse.

If ever there was a reason why this blog is important to me, then this is it – at the start of this post I was feeling terrible.  Downhearted, disillusioned and in despair.  I’m not exactly feeling all that great now, but I do feel a whole lot better, as once again, I’ve got a bit of perspective on things, having taken the time to sit back and review it a little.  I’ve lost a pound in a week where I’ve not been able to exercise much at all, and where I’ve not been as fastidious as I have been in the past.  That’s a pretty good result really.  I had a couple of fairly large losses a few weeks back, and it’s hard to then accept that losing a pound is a very positive thing.  If I lose a pound a week for the next year, I’ll be 52 pounds lighter – that’s three stone and 10 pounds.  That would be amazing, and would take me to within a pound of the figure that I’ve almost decided is going to be my end target.  But that I’m not going to talk about just yet.

There are a few things that need to change.  First of all, just because I can’t swim doesn’t mean I can’t exercise – I need to compensate for the lack of swimming by either trying other things at the gym – get on that treadmill and see how it holds up, or by just being more active anyway – walk to the shops instead of drive.  It all counts.  Secondly,  I need to be more careful about some of the snacking that I do.  I still eat a whole lot of crisps, and while that’s not a problem in principle, then it is in practice if I’m struggling to stay within my points.  Planning meals will help here.

This has been an interesting update for me, and if you’re trying to lose weight yourself, then I hope it has been for you.  The power of perspective is a wonderful thing, and whatever it takes to get it is worth doing.

Keep shrinking!

The Shrinking Man

2 thoughts on “19th Nervous Breakdown?”

  1. Hi there – I think you are still doing amazingly well and, as you say, 1lb off on a week when you did no excercise is a big achievement compared to the weeks when you were doing lengths and lengths in the pool – so WELL DONE YOU!

    Secondly I think the “oh its only a few points over’ comes to us all in the end and I am very aware that as I am now only about 5lbs off my goal I weigh myself think “oh thats good” and then eat more !!! not sure if that is self sabotage or just pigging out but strangely the things i overeat on are now, for the most part, healthy things (apart from the two bars of chocolate from the vending machine last week but that is a long story that i wont bore you with) AND they made me feel rather sick too ;0(

    I think a BIG part of overeating right now is it is SOOOOO COLD – and I know that i have been starving since the weather turned so there is a lesson to learn.

    Also Saturday night we were going to go out for dinner but Steve decided to cook instead – I chose a Tuna steak something I have always liked but I could have gone for the beef steak in piles of cream sauce Steve cooked himself but no – the strange thing is the plate was piled high with vegetables and the tuna steak was massive and even new potatoes and it still all only came to 5.5 points and tasted amazing – so planning and not snacking has to be the answer

    You are doing amazingly keep it up 4 inches less waist and 3 inches less chest is fab (if I lost 3 inches off my chest I would be gutted) already trying to talk Steve into paying for the long promised book job – lol


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