So very, very scared…

Hi.  This is quite a tough one to write, but I need to  get this one out.

At the moment, I’m petrified.  Really, really scared.

I’m loving this new lifestyle, and I’m loving where it could lead, but I’m terrified that I’m going to muck it all up and go back to full-on fat-bloke status.  I know that’s not the way that I’m supposed to be thinking, and I’m certainly not supposed to be discussing it openly, as that’s probably setting myself up for failure.  The trouble is, I have every past failure weighing me down, and that’s a really heavy burden to carry.  I’ve been here before.

It does feel different this time.  Truly.  But it’s felt different before as well.  To paraphrase a certain Mr Mercury, “It feels right for the first time, and this time I know it’s for reeeeeal”.  Or something like that.

The bottom line is that I’ve been eating sensibly for just over three weeks now.  Three weeks.  That’s it.  And I’ve eaten less than sensibly for most of the past 27 years or so.  That’s 1404 bad weeks, and three good ones.  That does put it into perspective, and makes it difficult to really mark down what I’ve achieved over the past three weeks as being anything other than a temporary blip.

Thoughts like that are ever-present.  I’m aware that they’re destructive, and potentially harmful.  I’m also aware that they’re realistic, and pretending otherwise doesn’t change that fact.  In reality, I’m changing the way that I eat for the long-term, and not for the short term, but I’m living in the short term, which is what makes it so difficult.  I don’t think I could ever put into words how much hope and fear I have in my heart when I step on the scales for my weekly weigh-in.  I know that my weight loss will slow down, and that at times I won’t even lose weight in any given week, even if I’m sticking with the program perfectly.  BUT I JUST DON’T WANT IT TO STOP YET!

Can I tell you something really sad?  Truly awfully pathetically sad?  I’ve been meaning to get my haircut for a couple of weeks, and hadn’t got round to it.  I got it cut on Saturday, and while there are probably quite a few other reasons for it, including wife-pressure (a very powerful force) and personal pride, the main reason that I got it cut on Saturday, was because I had a weigh in on Sunday morning, and I thought it might help.  God help me.  Lol.

I have to be OK with not losing weight for a week or more if I’m eating sensibly and healthily, and if I’m exercising.  I’m scared that I’ll reach that point next week, and if I don’t reach it this week, then I’ll be scared about it the week after.  It shouldn’t make a difference when it happens, as it won’t mean anything, but I’m scared that I’ll let it mean more than it should.

No conclusions – just thoughts.

The Shrinking Man

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